What To Know Before You Start Dating Someone Who Is ‘Practically Divorced’

You’ve been swiping through Tinder for a while now and have even debated throwing in the towel on dating apps. But one day, at long last, you match with someone who seems like the real deal. You start messaging each other. You keep messaging each other. You’re definitely vibing and hope to take things to the next level with an IRL meetup.

Except there’s one not-so-itty-bitty problem. Their “ex” is still in the picture.

Even though a person’s previous relationship may have ended months ago, they could still technically be married. Or still living with their ex-partner. Or haven’t yet figured out the logistics with the kids. Or all of the above.

Since the average timeline for a divorce in the United States is about 11 months, it’s unrealistic for people to hold off on starting a new relationship before the ink is dry on the legal documents. But if you’re the “single” party in this potential new relationship, you may be putting yourself in a vulnerable position if you’re not armed with the facts from the outset.

This is not to say things can’t work out, but you’ll have a much higher chance at long-term happiness if you enter the relationship with a heightened awareness about your new significant other (SO).

To help you navigate the legal and romantic challenges of dating someone who is “practically divorced,” HuffPost sought advice from family law attorneys, a certified dating coach and a marriage and family therapist. Read on for their thoughts on approaching this new relationship with healthy boundaries, while being mindful of red flags.

This may seem obvious at first glance — and not always easy at the beginning of a new relationship — but if you plan to date someone who isn’t divorced yet, facts are your friend.

The first thing you’ll need to establish is your significant other’s definition of “practically divorced,” because it’s a broad term: “To one person, ‘practically divorced’ means the agreement is done, I’m waiting for paperwork, or we’re on the last topic and our lawyers are circulating it,” explained Sarah Jacobs, a matrimonial law attorney and co-founder of Jacobs Berger LLC in Morristown, New Jersey. But another person may say they’re “practically divorced,” yet “they haven’t even settled discovery, and they have no idea what’s up next. It could take another year to two years for this case to be done.”

You’ll also want to take stock of your SO’s emotional volatility: “One of the things [people should] consider is that emotions are still really high, and that there’s a lot of healing that comes after the divorce,” said family law attorney and Jacobs Berger LLC co-founder Jamie Berger. She advised “allowing [the divorcing party] the breath and space to truly heal afterward, and understanding that those emotions need to be worked through.”

That being said, it’s really up to you how much emotional baggage you’re willing to shoulder.

“A person still legally wrapped up in their marriage may not have the space, self-honesty, or self-awareness needed for a new beginning,” said Julie Nguyen, a Los Angeles-based certified dating coach with the dating app Hily. “It would be wise to assess whether they’re truly ready for what you have to offer, or if your relationship is a soft landing for their in-between.”

“Legal status matters, but emotional availability matters more,” observed Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an LA-based anxiety, trauma and attachment therapist. “Someone can swear they’re ‘done’ with their marriage — but if the divorce isn’t final, and they haven’t taken clear steps to close that chapter, you’re stepping into something unstable.”

If you decide to pursue the relationship, you may have to switch out full-speed ahead for baby steps. Start by finding out if your new SO has financially separated from their ex, the details of their living arrangements (are they still living together?) and if kids are involved. The more you know at the outset, the better the potential for a happy outcome.

“There should be some sort of baseline understanding between the two of you as to what the [divorce] status is,” said Jacobs.

Again, boundaries are just a good rule of thumb at the start of any new relationship, but if you’re dating someone who’s still legally married, setting a few financial and emotional boundaries could mean the difference between happiness and heartbreak.

“Don’t become [your significant other’s] therapist or distraction from their grief,” warned Nguyen. “It’s a fine line to be part of their support system as they process feelings around their ex, legal process and emotional intensity. However, you want to have boundaries around how much you can be there for them so you can protect the sanctity of what you’re building together.”

“From a financial side, you want to be careful not to embroil yourself in somebody else’s conflict,” advised Berger, as that can just create messy situations. “Especially if the relationship goes south.”

As for emotional boundaries, Jacobs cautioned against getting involved in divorce-related discussions, even if you think you’re just being supportive: “[The non-divorcing partner] inappropriately inserting themselves into parenting-time conversations or financial discussions or unnecessarily churning waters to their individual desired outcome is a recipe for disaster.”

But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a source of emotional support for the divorcing partner, which is why establishing boundaries early on is critical.

“Knowing your role in the situation is very important because it’s hard when emotions are high and a relationship is new, and when you want to lend that emotional support,” said Berger. “And it’s very easy to cross a line, especially [if it’s] a line that you may not know exists because you don’t have all the information.”

An example Berger gives here is how sometimes the divorcing couple will include parameters in their agreements about “when a new significant other can be introduced to kids.” If you’re pushing to meet your new partner’s kids and don’t know this specific parameter exists in the divorce agreement, “you may be putting your new significant other in a really difficult position too.”

While empathy and patience for the divorcing party are certainly important, you also want to make sure things aren’t moving too quickly for you, either. This could mean anything from feeling pushed into a step-parent role before you’re ready, or cohabitating with someone who is barely out of their previous marriage.

Trust your gut in these situations: “If something is not passing the smell test and you can’t get transparency and you can’t get answers to very simple questions, you may want to either pass or try to really understand why this person’s getting divorced,” Jacobs said. “You may be engaging in a relationship that’s going to blow up for you, too, and you don’t need that.”

One way to get a clear idea of what you’re getting into is to observe how “somebody communicates with their soon-to-be-ex-spouse, both on the phone and via text message,” Berger said. “If you see things that you wouldn’t be comfortable with receiving on the other side of it, that’s a big red flag.”

At the same time, if your SO isn’t sharing anything with you, that could be problematic too. “If you never hear about their children, if they never utter a word about their divorce proceedings, I think that’s a red flag as to their level of transparency and communication,” Jacobs said. “Also, what are they trying to hide?”

“I recommend paying attention to how they talk about their ex — not just what they say, but the energy behind it,” Groskopf said. “Is it clean? Respectful? Or are they still angry, blaming, chaotic, or trying to pull you into the narrative? If they’re venting about their marriage on the third date, that’s a huge red flag.”

Even if you’re willing to be your SO’s rock as they move through the divorce process, you’re also allowed to set expectations in this relationship. That means establishing your own parameters and doing your own research, if necessary.

“You want to be discerning,” advised Berger. “[Know] what you are looking for, what your expectations are — and make sure that you are doing it with your eyes and ears wide open.” Because dating someone during a divorce is complicated, full stop.

So if you want to perform some due diligence and google your new SO, Jacobs says to go for it! Check out their LinkedIn profile: Does it track with what they’ve told you? Do you have any mutual friends you could ask for some intel?

“You’re not intending necessarily to stir the tea or create the gossip,” Jacobs said, “but some third-party feedback could be helpful.”

Remember, the internet is forever, so a little sleuthing now could save you a lot of anguish further down the road.