Sen. Tina Smith’s (D-Minn.) decision to confront Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) amid wide backlash over his recent troubling remarks on social media might say a lot about how people, in general, should confront bullies.
Lee has faced wide criticism for posts he made on X, formerly Twitter, shortly after the shootings of two Minnesota lawmakers and their partners over the weekend. The Utah representative baselessly claimed in one post that the gunman had ties to the political left, writing, “This is what happens when Marxists don’t get their way.”
He also made an apparent reference to Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz (D) in a second post, mockingly writing: “Nightmare on Waltz Street.”
Smith has joined a chorus of people slamming Lee for his responses to the brutal attacks by a gunman who impersonated a police officer and killed State Rep. Melissa Hortman (D) and her husband, Mark, and severely wounded Sen. John Hoffman (D) and his wife, Yvette.
Vance Boelter, the suspected shooter, was arrested and charged in connection with the shootings. Officers found notebooks in Boelter’s car that referenced at least 45 state and federal elected officials. Smith has revealed that her name was among those listed.
Smith directly confronted Lee about his remarks in person in Washington, D.C. on Monday. While later recapping her conversation with Lee, she told political commentator Bryan Tyler Cohen that Melissa Hortman and John Hoffman were friends of hers, and that the violent attacks had been painful for her and the Minnesota community.
“I wanted to look him in the eye, and tell him what I thought, and how it made me and so many other Minnesotans feel that he had done this,” Smith said. She later continued, “I told him… ‘I want you to know, what you did is you put a picture of the man who killed my friend, and then you said this is what happens.’”
“I wanted him to think about those consequences and what it means,” she added.
Smith said that she didn’t get the impression that Lee is “frequently confronted by anybody” and that he seemed “a little shocked to have anybody challenging him — let alone one of his colleagues.”
“We need to speak directly to one another in this moment about the impact of what people are saying and doing,” she added.
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Lee was widely mocked on X for his behavior following his conversation with Smith. Many users said he was acting “cowardly” after a video clip posted online showed him refusing to answer a reporter’s questions about his tweets and his face-to-face with Smith.
“Mike Lee ran away from cameras and reporters asking him about his Twitter posts Typical cowardly Republican,” one X user wrote.
″[Lee] is a coward. A keyboard warrior at best,” wrote another.
“Like any loudmouth, attention-seeking shit-poster, Mike Lee is ultimately a coward,” another user added.
Lee has since deleted several of his disturbing tweets about the shootings in Minnesota. He told a Capitol Hill reporter that he deleted the posts after speaking with Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.)
“It was important to her that I take it down,” Lee told journalist Matt Laslo. “We’re good friends. I took it down.”
But regardless, Smith’s decision to confront Lee in person has us wondering: What is the best way to confront a bully and/or someone who is causing harm?
Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks who specializes in relationships, trauma and coping skills, told HuffPost that she approved of the way Smith approached Lee.
“The most efficient form of communication that elicits the most potential for change is just that: direct, clear communication with that person,” she said. “It’s important to communicate clearly and objectively to others when you want to make sure that they understand the harm caused. It was important that these comments were addressed, and addressed directly to Sen. Lee, due to the sensitive nature and high potential for harm.”
“By addressing Sen. Lee in a direct manner, it shows that Sen. Smith cares for the people that might be harmed by Sen. Lee’s statements and actions; succinctly, it demonstrates empathy and care for others,” she added.
It’s best to directly confront a bully, but always make sure you’re in a safe environment.
Cromer said that for someone considering whether to directly confront a bully, it’s important they make sure they’re putting themselves in a safe environment.
“Make sure that you feel both physically and emotionally safe,” she said. “If you can’t ensure that, wait until there is a more comfortable time.”
One way to help communicate effectively and efficiently when confronting a bully is to employ a tool that’s used in a type of talk therapy called “DBT,” or dialectical behavior therapy, known as “DEARMAN,” Cromer said.
She explained that DEARMAN is an acronym which stands for: “Describe the situation, Express your feelings, Assert your goals for the conversation, Reinforce your willingness to be flexible in communication, Mindful thought patterns help us stay grounded, Appear confident, and Negotiate.”
Cromer also noted that people have the option to report any posts or comments they see on social media platforms for “hate” or for “harm/bullying.”
But she emphasized that while it’s good to keep DEARMAN in mind when confronting a bully, it’s “important to also know when to stop engaging in conversations with a bully and to focus on ensuring your own safety.”
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