Kylie Kelce recently shared on her podcast that she supports a specific style of parenting, and it’s raising some controversy.
The mom of four and wife of retired Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl champ Jason Kelce explained she came across the term FAFO (“fuck around and find out”) on an Instagram post. “[It’s] the act of having your kids experience the natural consequences of their actions without getting too involved.”
It also happens to be a viral social media trend: there are now dozens of posts on MomTok singing the virtues of allowing your toddler to take a bite of a fiery hot chili pepper, all in the name of figuring things out for themselves. Some of these moms claim they need to “out-feral their feral children” and one even shows her young son the door when he says he’s mad she won’t let him sleep in her bed (“You wanna go to someone else’s house? See ya!”). Despite the resulting tears and tantrums, the comments on these posts are generally celebratory (“Good job! Good for you! Yes, Mama!”).
I can relate to some of what these women are saying because I had that kid ― the too-smart-for-her-own-good, fiercely independent middle schooler who told me she didn’t need to wear a hat in 20-degree weather. This usually resulted in me begging, pleading and threatening ― then running after her, beanie in hand, until she grabbed it and furiously pulled it over her ears. Today she’s 22, and little has changed. She has gone out in snowstorms in heels and insists that taking the subway at night is “perfectly safe.” I know, I know: She’s a full-grown adult living on her own and I need to hang up my helicopter mom cap and let her make her own mistakes.
Would I have been better off taking a more laissez-faire approach to parenting? FAFO supporters believe that a child needs to confront consequences ― even if they are uncomfortable or painful — to learn and grow.
U.K. clinical psychologist Elina Telford agrees that it “supports the brain to learn, creating opportunities for resilience, independence and problem-solving.” Still, to me and many other parents, it sounds scary, dangerous and a little mean. What about younger kids who can’t easily anticipate cause and effect? And what about outcomes that aren’t immediate? Do we really want our children to learn things the hard way and be subject to possible harm?
Experts say there are both pros and cons to this parenting style and aren’t surprised it’s trending.
“FAFO parenting appears to have emerged from the clash between helicopter parenting and gentle parenting,” explained Sean O’Neill, an LA-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “While gentle parenting focuses on empathy and connection, it often falls short on personal responsibility and accountability. FAFO fills that gap by allowing children to take on more responsibility while teaching them self-reliance. ”
“If you give them the power to choose and then retract it, it may have a negative effect. Your discomfort may send your child the message that you actually think they are incapable, which is the opposite of the desired result.”
– Trisha Sanders, licensed clinical social worker
Children need to be able to go out in the world to explore for themselves but they also need a safe place to come back to when they get scared, overwhelmed or tired, added Trisha Sanders, a licensed clinical social worker and owner of Wholefamily Therapy and Wellness in New Jersey. “A sense of competence is achieved when children can try things on their own, combined with caregivers giving grace when mistakes are made and help when it is requested. The downside can appear when there is a lack of appropriate caregiver support received by the child after they mess around and can’t quite figure it out.”
FAFO parenting can be tough on moms and dads who tend to be anxious. “It can be hard to knowingly let something adverse happen to your child,” said kid empowerment coach Mark Papadas. “Many parents ‘shield’ their kids from any and all negative actions or consequences. But think back on your life. Which life lessons have had the biggest impact on you: What you learned from your own experience or something that someone told you?”
Ready to give FAFO parenting a try? The best strategy is to ease into it. “Start on a small scale, giving simple options and enabling the child to encounter minimal consequences, like choosing not to wear a raincoat and subsequently getting wet,” O’Neill advised. “Parents need to explain risks and step back to let the child manage things.”
The idea is to do less, but not disconnect. Be clear in your expectations, communicate potential outcomes and let go when it’s safe. “FAFO can be a smart technique if it’s balanced with emotional availability and guidance,” said Eden Garcia-Balis, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “This parenting strategy is not about being completely hands-off, it’s about being strategically hands-off and allowing your child to slowly develop enough confidence and independence to take charge of their own actions and consequences.”
How much freedom you allow also depends on your child’s readiness to roam free — their age as well as their personal development. “This approach can be helpful with children from toddlers through teens,” Sanders insisted. “The differences will be largely about how much detail you provide about consequences of choices and what kinds of choices you allow your child to ‘fuck around’ with. The abstract thinking of long-term consequences may be lost on a little one. For older children and teens, you can use this approach for many decisions and you can empower them more and more as you both grow more confident with this process.”
Sanders also suggests not chickening out when you grant your child autonomy. “If you give them the power to choose and then retract it, it may have a negative effect. Your discomfort may send your child the message that you actually think they are incapable, which is the opposite of the desired result.”
In the end, for both parents and children, there is a learning curve to the FAFO technique.
“Hold on to the fact that learning does happen through trial and error and part of it is learning how to tolerate and navigate uncomfortable feelings,” Telford said. “With accurate information and a careful approach, you can feel free to explore FAFO, see if it fits with your identity as a parent and grow a sense of competence right along with your child.”
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