Swap, Don’t Swipe — ‘Switch Therapy’ Is A Kink Couples Are Trying To Maintain Their Marriage

Are Americans done with marriage? Or just monogamy?

A recent catchy headline in the Wall Street Journal, “American Women Are Giving Up on Marriage,” might make you think that’s the case. Even a recent study from the Institute for Family Studies found there’s an upswing in divorces for people aged 65 or older — calling them “gray divorces,” and a study from Match.com found 31% of single people have engaged in consensual nonmonogamy, meaning they’re open to more flexibility in open relationships.

But even with an increase in divorces among one age group and a spike in interest in alternatives like polyamory, the truth is (for Americans, at least), monogamy remains the preferred type of commitment for couples, and divorce numbers are down.

But for couples struggling and contemplating divorce or separation, could a controversial form of therapy work for them? “Switch therapy,” sometimes also known as “swapping,” happens when a couple decides to temporarily separate and date other people as a way to gain a sense of clarity or better understanding of their own issues through relationships with others.

We spoke with therapists who recommended that in some couples swap their partners and live with another person for several weeks. In other instances, the switch doesn’t require packing your bags and moving, but rather dating outside of your relationship with agreed-upon parameters. In extreme versions of switch therapy, the move into a new potential partner’s home is encouraged. In tamer versions of the therapy, it’s close role-playing with a potential new partner and doesn’t require relocating your toothbrush. The overall point of the switch is to illuminate what you’re not receiving from your partner or what you yourself are unable or unwilling to provide — and by doing so, the couple will have some enlightening realization about their wants and needs.

We spoke with several relationship therapists and sex therapists about switch therapy, including several who have recommended swapping to clients. We were curious to see if the couples who have tried the switch found relationship bliss or if the controversial therapy opened up a Pandora’s box of woes.

It depends on the therapist and the couple, but the general consensus is that switch therapy means adding people to your monogamous relationship. You enter another couple’s dynamic by either living with them or switching out partners to role-play as their new spouse.

It’s not the same as a polyamorous or swinging experience, but something more controlled to examine certain dynamics, needs and issues in the foundational relationship. It can happen with people the couple know, have never met or even professional sex workers.

Camille Bataillon, a clinical sexologist, host of the French podcast “Camille Parle Sexe (Camille Talks Sex)” and spokesperson for the online sex education platform Beducated, sees switch therapy as something entirely in its own realm than other types of therapy. She commented that it involves interacting with other people to understand your relationship dynamics, instead of just focusing on your partner. “Most couple therapy sessions focus on the couple and the individuals within the relationship, while in swap therapy the focus shifts to how the same members of the relationship interact with another couple.”

Dr. Michael Kane, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer at the Indiana Center for Recovery, broke down his understanding of switch or swap therapy. He explained the practice is meant to promote empathy and perspective-taking and has emerged as an innovative approach focused on relationship enhancement. He added it’s about “stepping into their partner’s shoes,” and that couples can begin to appreciate each other’s roles, experiences, stressors and emotional needs in more nuanced ways.

According to many of the experts we spoke with, this entirely depends on the couple. But for Candice Nicole Hargons, author of “Good Sex: Stories, Science, and Strategies for Sexual Liberation” and an associate professor at Emory University’s Rollins School of Public Health, it’s not something she would recommend. “Swap therapy isn’t an option I’d recommend for most couples as a licensed psychologist.” But, if the couple understands and is interested in an ethical monogamous relationship, Hargons could see how the practice might be a possibility for a couple.

Bataillon agrees with Hargons that there needs to be an established form of clear communication if a couple wants to try swapping. But couples, according to Bataillon, need to put in work first. “I’d say, [the couple should have] done at least a year of therapy, have developed effective communication skills, the ability to introspect and are open to self-reflection. They should be able to question their own behaviors, have empathy and approach the process with patience and mindfulness,” she said.

Olivia Lee, an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists-certified sex therapist and the relationship scholar in residence at Doll Authority, sees couples who might seek out this form of therapy for a variety of reasons. She mentioned couples she’s worked with who use switch therapy to “break out of stagnation, confront jealousy in a controlled environment or rediscover desire through contrast.” And that when done correctly, it can allow individuals in the relationship to see their partner in a fresh way, sometimes reigniting their appreciation and attraction. She added it also helps as a boundary exercise: “For some, it’s also a safe space to explore boundaries, power dynamics or emotional reactions with therapeutic intent.”

Kane did warn, though, that couples trying switch therapy should be well aware of the issues or difficulties it can create: “Not all couples may be prepared for such an intense exercise, so a trained professional must facilitate the process. For couples that find it difficult to shift to one another’s viewpoints, we often suggest more basic perspective-taking exercises before moving on to more advanced forms like swap therapy.”

There are varying definitions of this type of therapy, and we were curious — does switching have to involve sexual intimacy or is it just about experiencing what another couple might feel? The answer is yes and no.

Lee said that definitions for the therapy do vary, and that “in therapeutic contexts, switch therapy doesn’t have to involve sexual intimacy at all. It can be purely experiential: couples observing or simulating dynamics from another relationship to gain perspective on their own.” Lee explained that for some consensual nonmonogamous couples, it might include actual partner swapping with clear communication and boundaries. “The goal isn’t the act itself but the insight it generates about one’s relationship.”

Licensed mental health counselor and relationship therapist Jordanne Sculler warns that switch therapy can be “emotionally risky.” Sculler, whose practice focuses on couples hoping to find growth, self-awareness and authentic connection, warned that if the foundation of a relationship is already fragile, introducing new emotional or physical connections can be a spark for a much bigger problem. Swapping for some couples can create “resentment, jealousy” and even “permanent emotional disconnection.” Adding a physical aspect can amplify breaks in trust.

Switch therapy isn’t about just finding a sexual connection but an emotional introspection, and that can make things very messy for couples trying to bridge back to one another.

Lee has seen some positive results from the controversial form of therapy. “When approached with open communication, trust and mutual consent, it can absolutely help a relationship by encouraging vulnerability and reflection.” She did warn, though, that if switch therapy is used as a distraction from “deeper issues or entered into with resentment or secrecy, it can amplify disconnection.” For Lee, switch therapy is like any tool or method used in couples counseling: “It depends on how it’s used.”

Hargons pointed out two specific issues anyone should be aware of before trying a switch. “First, many people can mask, for that short period of time, behaviors that they would otherwise show with their real partner.” Meaning the problems that might have caused these fissures in your pre-existing relationship could be hidden, for some time, during your couples experiment. “Second, if there is chemistry between the swapped partners, the limerence period energy may unintentionally shift their mood and behaviors in favor of the short-term partner.” You might suddenly find yourself swapping in a more permanent way that you hadn’t planned. Hargons further suggested that in many ways, a lack of appreciation for each other can be addressed without having to be in a short-term relationship with someone else. She believes in trying more tested and conventional forms of counseling.

And Sculler added that if a couple is struggling with “communication, intimacy or trust, stepping outside the relationship doesn’t fix those core problems — it magnifies them.” She also warned that this may cause or prolong a breakup. Sculler also cautioned that couples with unresolved trust issues or past betrayals and partners with anxious attachment who fear abandonment should not try switch therapy.

Bataillon added that couples who are not in healthy relationships, ones that “don’t have a strong connection, struggle with communication, or are in violent relationships” to begin with should avoid this form of therapy. “If there is blame, judgment and a lack of empathy or willingness to listen, they are not ready for this kind of experience.”